Self-Defense
by BarthVader
Summary: Lee is willing to do quite a lot to convince Edd to go out with her sister. [cover art by wr3h]


**I hope the title is capitalized correctly. Yes, I'm looking at you. You know who you are :P**

The forest near Peach Creek was an incredibly peaceful place.

Any attempts at cutting it down by the ever ground-hungry developers and industry were stopped dead in its track by the council passing a special bill to preserve the flora and fauna of the place. The forest, untouched by the civilization, was spreading for a dozen or so miles east and south from Peach Creek.

Edd knew full well that he's too far from his home for someone to come to his aid.

Lee Kanker's fist swished by his ear.

* * *

 _Edd didn't have any plans for the day._

 _Eddy went shopping with his parents, and Ed was grounded for yet another petty reason by his mother, leaving the brains of the trio to take care of himself that day. The sock-hatted boy had found himself in his room, looking at a task list he prepared that morning. Clean the upstairs, arrange the books, take a shower, do the laundry, do a few math problems to keep the brain in shape. All positions crossed out._

 _As he was idly spinning a pencil in his hand wondering what to focus on now, he heard the sound of a doorbell. Sitting on a spinning chair, he pushed himself towards the window and looked down, the same moment Lee decided to look up._

 _"Hi, Two-D." she waved. "You're gonna let me in, or do I have to climb up a drain pipe?"_

 _"It's unnecessary." The boy assured. "M-may I inquire why did you decide to visit me?"_

 _"Just a causal chit-chat."_

* * *

The boy was quite good at dodging the girl's blows. Those few punches that had managed to hit him weren't strong enough to set him back in any way, not to mention none of the attacks were aimed below his waist. It was painfully obvious that the Kanker didn't consider him an equal opponent. She was toying with him, like a cat with a cornered mouse.

"Save us both time, give up." Lee taunted.

He didn't reply. _Pride comes before a fall,_ the boy thought, sidestepping a straight punch. He just needed to wait for her to make a mistake, and hope he won't make one in the meantime.

* * *

 _Lee entered the house and, without being told to, marched straight to the kitchen, followed by the host._

 _"So," she said, grabbing a stool and sitting by the table, "you and Marie have been hanging around lately."_

 _A warning bell run in the smart boy's head as he placed himself on the other side of the kitchen table. "Well, to be more specific, she tends to tag along whenever Ed and Eddy aren't around."_

 _"You thought about asking her out?"_

 _The bell turned into a foghorn. "N-no, I didn't." the boy replied after a short pause. "D-do you want something to drink?" He stood up, ready to run to his room and lock himself inside._

 _"Nah, I'm fine." the girl said, pretending to not notice his reaction. " Now sit down and relax."_

 _Edd wordlessly complied with the first part of the order._

* * *

Lee briefly stopped attacking and glared at the boy. "Y'know, you'll have to _hit me_ at some point."

"I need to start some- _where._ " he sidestepped yet another punch and took three steps back.

The girl realized two things: that this fight wasn't going to end soon, and that dancing with Two-D was beginning to tire her. "How" she panted, "how a twig like you can last so long?"

"Apparently years of eluding your family and enraged peers caused me to get used to prolonged exertion." a subtle grin appeared on Edd's face. "Not to mention I'm beginning to notice a pattern in your attacks, which makes them easier to avoid."

"Pattern _this!_ " the redhead decided to stop holding back and throw a quick punch below the belt. The boy dodged it again, and the girl's hand ended up in a hollow. It gave the boy an opening to deliver a pair of quick punches to her face before she pulled her arm out and backed off with a raised guard.

"Son of a bitch…" she muttered. She certainly didn't expect that.

* * *

 _Lee clasped her hands. "Can I be frank?"_

 _Edd nodded._

 _"A lot of guys have been hitting on Marie. More than on me or May."_

 _The boy raised an eyebrow. "Really?"_

 _"I dunno, must be the faux-punk aesthetic." The redhead shrugged. "Anyway…" she paused, looking for a right word, "I don't think much about most of 'em. Buncha vulgar perverted trailer trash."_

 _The boy couldn't help but smirk at the irony._

 _"She deserves better. I mean, she's not really_ that _bad, is she?"_

 _The boy scratched his head. "To be fully honest, whenever she isn't bluntly suggesting coitus or making jokes at my expense, her companionship is quite pleasant. She can hold her ground in a conversation, and she is attractive, I won't deny that." After a pause, he hurriedly reassured "I didn't have sex with her, I swear!"_

 _"Wouldn't accuse you of that, Two-D." the girl raised her hands. "You're a classy guy, one of the very few. Why the heck do you think I'm here?"_

 _"To pressure me to invite Marie on a date." Edd sighed. "And with all respect, I must deny."_

 _A small frown appeared on the girl's face. "Can I ask why?" she questioned, calmly and politely._

* * *

"Don't get too excited, smartass." The Kanker growled, as her and Edd circled around a small clearing.

"Well, for all it's worth I _did_ manage to hit you." the boy replied, with a faint smile on his face. The two of them were sidestepping, getting closer to each other inch by inch, ready to go on.

Lee's brain was now working at full speed. She was _not_ going to lose to Two-D again. Hitting where he was standing at the moment just didn't work. So she'd have to fake a punch and then strike where would be after the dodge.

In order to succeed, she would have to do all of this fast, so the boy wouldn't have time to react. He had proven to have good reflexes, and would probably dodge again given half a chance. Also, attacking empty space would give him another opening to hit her in a sensitive place. Those hits in the nose hurt a bit.

They got close enough to be able to grab each other. He was always dodging sideways, so now he'd move either to her left or to her right. He seemed to pick the direction at random, and she'd have to guess where he'd go after she attacks.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Left.

She chose her left.

So did he.

* * *

 _"…can_ I _be frank, Lee?"_

 _"You? Always."_

 _"Well…" Instead of saying anything more, the boy quietly bit his lip._

 _"Listen, Eddward." the girl went on. "I think you're too naïve and trusting, but I respect your opinion and you as a person. Whatever you say now stays between us, and as long as it's not an insult towards me and my sisters, it's all fine."_

 _"Very well." he sighed, "I see the effort you and your sisters have put into making people fear you less."_

 _"Well, not everyone." the girl admitted. "Just the peeps who don't ask me how much a twenty will get them."_

 _"Anyway…" the boy tried to come up with a gentle way of saying this, and failed. "…you're still terrifying to me."_

 _Lee feigned surprise. "This cannot be!"_

 _"You're intimidating!" he went on, either not noticing or not caring about her sarcasm. "I don't want to worry if I have to face the wrath of the Kanker family on the off-chance that the relationship won't work out or Marie decides I won't appreciate her enough because I didn't give her enough kisses or something!"_

 _After the boy finished, they both looked at each other, waiting for the other to speak up._

 _"I'm sorry." the boy broke the silence._

 _"Don't be." the Kanker rubbed her chin. "I think I have an idea."_

* * *

The punch hit the smart boy in the stomach. Lee followed with three more, and all three connected.

Edd doubled over and backed away from her, wheezing and whining. "Ow. Ow." he muttered. "Pain."

Lee smirked and walked to the defeated boy. "Are we done, or do you have anything else to say?"

"Just one thing." He raised his head and stared at her with a glint in his eye. "Pardon my pragmatism."

Then, he sprung forward and poked the girl's chest with some contraption. She felt electricity going through her body and jumped away from the boy.

"What the fuck, Two-D?" she complained. "You weren't supposed to bring weapons!"

* * *

 _Edd gulped. "An i-idea?"_

 _"I could just scare you into submission, but I like you too much." She stood up and circled the table. "I could also sleep with you, but I like my dignity too much. So, let's go with my third idea." She grabbed the boy by the shoulder and pulled him to a stand. "Put up fists."_

 _"E-excuse me?" he raised an eyebrow._

 _"Not going to hit you or anything, just put up fists."_

 _After a beat, the boy attempted, very badly, to raise his guard. The girl noticed that he for some reason kept his thumbs inside the fists. There's not being Bruce Lee, and there's not knowing Fistfighting 101._

 _"Just as I suspected, you know bugger all about this." She pulled a stool Edd was sitting on closer to herself and sat on it. "Let's make a deal then. I will show you how to fight and you'll ask Marie out."_

 _The boy lowered his hands. "Really?"_

 _"I'm no miracle worker, but I guess we can spar from time to time, so that you can get some practice in a real fight. Well," she made air quotes with her fingers, "'real' for now. I won't just go at you with everything I got for now, that wouldn't teach you anything." She put her arm around his shoulders. "You ain't a violent guy, you won't beat up anyone for no reason, so I ain't worried about myself and my sisters."_

 _"I... appreciate the gesture," the boy slipped away from her, "but I don't think it's a necessary measure. I think I'll just stick to avoiding confrontations."_

" _Yeah, of course." she agreed. "You should get a PhD in avoiding-confrontation-ology. But trust me, sometimes you just can't do so." She turned to him. "Sometimes the only way out is blocked by a motherfucker standing at the door. And I'm gonna try and teach you how to get through that motherfucker."_

 _Edd wanted to point out how life outside the trailer park wasn't usually boiling down to a Darwinian struggle, but decided to not do so, and just accept the redhead's gesture of goodwill. "Fine." he sighed. "But I won't invite Marie anywhere until I see the results."_

 _"'Kay then." She shook his hand vigorously. "There's a nice little spot, a few miles from here, in the forest, we can spar there. How does Sunday sounds?"_

 _"I would need to check my day planner."_

 _"Fine, we'll talk details later." Lee stood up. "Just do me one more favor."_

 _"If you want me to."_

 _"Don't mention_ why _we're doing it," the redhead said, "but don't hide the fact that I'm teaching you how to fight. The last thing we need is the entire neighborhood gossiping about what we do together."_

 _"Good point."_

* * *

"Yes," Edd explained, "that's against our agreement, but with my inability to defend myself in a fair way, I decided to try and use an underhanded tactic, just to see how it'd work." He spun the device in his hand. "If the voltage was be higher, you'd be down for the count."

"Yeah, yeah, sure." Lee walked closer to him. "There's just a small hole in your plan." Without warning, the girl snatched a weapon from his hand. "Let's imagine a bad guy rips it from your hand and tries to use it on you." She tossed it in her hand so that the business end was pointing towards the boy. "What now?"

"I'd watch them hurt themselves." the boy deadpanned. "There's a tiny fingerprint scanner in the grip. If it detects an unauthorized user, he or she will get electrocuted."

She decided to call his bluff and press the button under her index finger. "Ow!" she yelped, dropping the taser on the grass. It worked just as Edd described.

"The voltage isn't debilitating or lethal," he picked up his contraption and hid it in his shorts pocket, "because I adjusted it to not be. It wasn't meant to harm you, just to prove a point."

"Alright, fine." the Kanker shrugged. "Let's just call it a win for both of us, 'cause you wouldn't win without that thing. That makes it a five to two for me."

"Yes. Thank you for today, Lee."

"Let's go back to the cul-de-sac, grab the other four, and have some pizza."

 **In case you don't think this story was any good, let me point out Lee does that so that Edd/Marie can happen sometime in the future.**

 **Leave your "BEST THING EVAAAAR" reviews now.**

 _ **WAIT WAIT WAIT, you said "five to two", Barth. Does that mean Edd won once before?**_

 **Yeah, kinda.**

 _ **HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?**_

Lee walked into her trailer, leaning against Edd. She was limping, and there were numerous bite and scratch marks on her body. Some blood was dripping from her broken nose.

"…Again, I'm terribly sorry, Lee." the boy apologized, his head hung in shame. "I got a bit carried away and… overreacted a bit and…"

"Calm the fuck down." she interrupted him. "I knew what I was signing for. Didn't expect you to fight back like that, but I ain't gonna blame you or anything."

May peeked from the kitchen, with two mugs in her hand. "Hi guys, I made you two _what in Matt Hill happened to you, Lee?!_ "

"Two-D happened."

"Once again, I'm so so-" he started, only for the redhead to put her hand on his mouth.

"Say 'sorry' once again, and I swear to God, I'll bitchslap you like a red-headed stepchild." She moved her palm away, letting him speak.

"AIright, I apologize."

"Just get out." she growled.

The boy all but run away from the caravan. Lee limped towards her sister and took one of the mugs from her.

"Sooooo..." May stared at the redhead, "what happened?"

"I tried to take off the hat."


End file.
